Somehow, I expected this day to come. She said vague things I could not figure out, when I asked her repeatedly what she wished to say, she wailed in agony. Not from physical pain, but from the incapability to find the words in her head. I started to play a guessing game with her.
"From the house..."
"In your room?"
"Something or someone?"
"Mmm... That thing..."
"CD? Radio? Blanket?"
"You want me to ask PakPak to bring your blanket?"
"CD and radio, you want?"
"What else do you need?"
"You all to... but all of you cannot..."
"What do you want us to do?"
"Do you want a pastor?"
"Which pastor do you want to see?"
"Rose, Christine or...?"
The six hours I had spent on her bedside, I could only understand that she wants these three things. I could imagine how irritated she could get if nobody understood or try to guess what she wants. But I could tell, that she was afraid and worried, for mediocre things. Cats, money and diploma which is the documents that the commissioner for oaths was supposed to sign. I read her bible verses to calm her down, but I kept stumbling onto more and more morbid verses, pausing and skipping taboo words constantly. She waved her hand at me to stop and I did, giving my hand for her to clench onto. Her grip has energy, but I can feel her bones. Her breath was stale, her lips was dry and she said "Heaven". What can one possibly think of when she is in the final stage of cancer?
And when I came home from the hospital, I saw this verse.
TRUE PEACE COMES FROM KNOWING GOD IS IN CONTROL
I know I do not understand how it feels to be sprawled helpless on the ward bed with a terminal illness, however I believe if we have faith in the Lord, peace will follow. I did not pray for a miracle to happen, I just prayed for your pain to stop.