CNY is finally around the corner, my brother's and aunt's birthday just passed but none of this we'll be celebrating. Well, not officially. The gloomy atmosphere still surrounds my grandmother's house after my aunt's passing. I can still remember her vividly in my mind, of her in the hospital bed with tubes and oxygen machines hooked on her. Her swollen arms and neck and dry chapped lips and breath of spoiled milk and oats whenever she tries to speak. The only part I enjoyed about this hospital visit is seeing the people who cared for her appear and prayed on her bedside; mostly non family members, but under the same family of God.
There was an emotional conflict within me, unsure if it was wrong of me to wish her dead because I see her in pain. It was probably far more painless to be dead than to be in this condition, but I don't know what death is like. Finally when she left us, I felt guilty for wishing such a cruel thing to happen. Until I saw her in her casket; so still and at peace, finely dressed in her best garments my grandma picked out for her. Even after the cremation, I can still feel her peacefulness in the form of ashes. I put the cloth bag full of her ashes on my lap and sneezed, when I passed the bag to my brother, he sneezed too. We made a little joke that she was talking to us. Finally, when we reached the port, we took a boat to the middle of the straits and released her ashes and threw flower petals with it. No matter in what shape she was in, she still looked calm. Be it in the casket, in the ash bag or in the sea. Yes, I believe that she's in a better place now.